Bidets and bullet trains (part I)

My anecdotal collection of all the best (worst?) bits of Japan

My first night in Tokyo

Back home there’s been some recent controversy surrounding the anniversary of Captain Cook’s first contact with Maori. So what better way to show my respects than to invade a foreign country and get absolutely Captain Cooked myself.

Nihon Ganbare

The words were “Nihon Ganbare” but may as well have been “Wingardium Leviosa”, for their utterance ascended me to a level of the astral planes not normally permitted for mere mortals. I could feel my feet start to levitate off the sticky floor, my head soaring even higher over the diminutive locals. Opening my eyes I find myself being delivered to the gates of Valhalla by a strapping Japanese man, who spotting my pale complexion and unsteady sway, had hoisted me to the counter of the bar.

“5 Heinekens please”.

“That’ll be ….”

Actually I didn’t know nor care how much it cost, as I was paying in monopoly money. I neck my first delicious wet, before turning to my new-found friend and handing him a HeineKen Watanabe of his own.

“Nihon Gaaanbaaaaareeee”, I spray, 2 inches from his face.

“Kampai!”, he replies rather startled.

Japan score and the crowd erupts into a rousing chant of “Nippon!”. Mishearing, I fervently join in with a cry of “Japan!” But it doesn’t matter. I’m in the…